I'm Too Sexy
by liltrick89
Summary: Things don’t go the way they’re supposed to in Draco Malfoy’s life… and naturally, Potter is blamed. (And WOW! THERE IS A PLOT!) UPDATED!
1. The I'm Too Sexy incident

**_I _**


	2. The Twist

**_CHAPTER 2 : The Twist_**  
**  
Author: liltrick89  
  
Summary: Learn how Pepsi Commercials actually come in handy at Hogwarts!  
  
Disclaimer: I actually don't own Pepsi (products AND commercials) or Harry Potter characters, but we can pretend I do.  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews!**  
  
Neville walked into the Great Hall for breakfast and searched for a place to sit. His eyes floated over to the Gryffindor table where he saw Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley. His eyes locked with Ginny's and she hastily turned around to whisper to Hermione. 

"Neville's coming this way… try to let him down easy ok?" Hermione nodded.

He felt his face get red as he walked over. 'Just be cool…' he chanted mentally to himself. As he neared the table, he began to mutter, "here it goes, Neville ol' boy. Just say the pick up line like you practiced…." He took a deep breath and then tried to put on his best 'I'm drop dead gorgeous' look on. "Hey look its Hermione looking good and drinking some pumpkin juice," Neville said in a deep voice that was clearly not his own, normal squeaky tone.  
  
"Actually I'm not Hermione," Hermione tapped her head with her wand and turned into Draco. "I'm Draco and this isn't pumpkin juice," he tapped the glass of juice, "its premium pumpkin juice, with just a hint of lemon. Honestly, Longbottom, like I would drink anything _other_ than premium!"  
  
Neville stuttered, "Well, you look pretty good too drinking premium pumpkin juice, with er… a hint of… er… vanilla, I guess" he began to sweat.  
  
Draco's gaze turned cold, "YOU GUESS? HOW CAN YOU SAY YOU GUESS? I'M DRACO MALFOY FOR GOODNESS SAKE!" he shouted, than paused, "and it's a hint of lemon not vanilla." Shaking his head, he continued in a voice dripping with venom "Actually, though,  this isn't premium pumpkin juice, with a hint _lemon_," Draco tapped his drink with Hermione, no, his wand, "It's a Diet premium pumpkin juice with a hint of lemon, and I'm not Draco," he tapped himself with the wand "I'm Professor Snape." 

At this Neville let out a shriek and ran from the Great Hall "NO RUNNING LONGBOTTOM!" Snape called as Neville ran out. 

He tapped himself with his wand, revealing Hermione again.  
  
Ginny smiled, "premium pumpkin juice with a hint of lemon?" her eyebrow raised in the question. "I so gotta learn that trick!"


	3. Desire

**_Desire_**  
  
**By: liltrick89  
  
Summary: Susan Bones hatches a plot to find the perfect gift for Draco  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything :-(  
  
A/N: I want to give credit to my dad for the ideas for Chapters 2, 3, and 4 (which hasn't been written yet)**__

Susan Bones had seen the whole show between Neville and Hermione. She walked over to Hermione and Ginny who were laughing about how Hermione had treated Neville. "At least a guy likes you. I can't even get Draco to acknowledge I exist!" She said pouting.  
  
"You, like Draco?" Hermione said eyeing Susan cautiously.  
  
Susan looked at the ground "yeah." She looked back up "I've tried _everything to get him to like me, and I mean _everything_!"  
  
"And what exactly have you tried?" said Hermione exchanging looks with Ginny.  
  
"Well just yesterday I decided I wanted to get him a present, something he would really like."  
  
"And what did you pick?"  
  
"Well I couldn't really decide at first. But then I overheard Harry talking to Ron about that Mirror of Erised; you know that mirror that reveals what you truly want. I figured that whatever he saw in the mirror I would get him. So I went out and found it. Then I brought Draco to it telling him that it was a magic mirror. Well he looked in it and I asked him what he saw…" Susan started to drift off.  
  
"AND?" Hermione and Ginny both said together, each for different reasons. Ginny because it would be a lovely way to tease the Malfoy, and Hermione because she wanted to see how the sexy- er, Slytherin boy thought.  
  
"Well this is were I got confused, he thought the mirror was just a mirror. He only saw himself." Susan said looking thoroughly puzzled.  
  
Hermione sighed, "figures."_


	4. Its a Man Baby!

**_It _**


	5. Maniac

Maniac  
  
By liltrick89  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the HP characters or Michael Sembello's Maniac (you know the song on the blockbuster commercials) but I do own the spell!  
  
Summary: Neville performs a happy feet spell in an attempt to impress Hermione  
  
A/N: thanks for the reviews and sorry about the HTML (this one had HTML before I edited it.evidently it wasn't showing up.) Since the HTML isn't working the song lyrics are in surrounded by *'s and thoughts and emphasis are surrounded by _'s. Also about the grammar mistakes terribly sorry I'll try to correct them in the edited version of this chapter.  
  
Rumors had spread about Hermione and Draco courtesy of Lavender Brown and Parvarti Patil. And the rumors had reached Neville Longbottom, and his wheels were spinning. _Hermione liked it when Draco danced.so she likes guys who dance well._ Neville smiled. he had an idea.  
  
  
  
The Next Morning.  
  
  
  
Neville fumbled with his wand in the crowded Great Hall. He was trying to remember the spell he had studied constantly last night. Finally, after what seemed like forever, it dawned on him. He jumped up and said nervously.  
  
"Give me moves that are extra snappy Make my feet extremely happy!" he then moved over to a stereo that he had brought down earlier and pressed play. The music filled the room playing.  
  
*Just a still town girl on a Saturday night, lookin' for the fight of her life  
  
In the real-time world no one sees her at all, they all say she's crazy*  
  
A shout from the Ravenclaw table that sounded like "Hey where'd that music come from?" was heard as Neville got up on top of the table and tapped his feet to the music.  
  
*Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart, changing woman into life  
  
She has danced into the danger zone, when a dancer becomes a dance  
  
It can cut you like a knife, if the gift becomes the fire  
  
On a wire between will and what will be*  
  
  
  
Neville did a turn then started singing and dancing.  
  
*She's a maniac, maniac on the floor  
  
And she's dancing like she's never danced before  
  
She's a maniac, maniac on the floor  
  
And she's dancing like she's never danced before*  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione's mouths were all opened in shock. "What does he think he's doing?" Hermione hissed. Harry and Ron both shrugged.  
  
  
  
Neville stopped singing for a minute to shout, "You want dancing Hermione? _I'll_ show you dancing!" Then started up again.  
  
*On the ice-build iron sanity is a place most never see  
  
It's a hard warm place of mystery, touch it, but can't hold it  
  
You work all your life for that moment in time, it could come or pass you by  
  
It's a push of the world, but there's always a chance  
  
If the hunger stays the night  
  
There's a cold connective heat, struggling, stretching for defeat  
  
Never stopping with her head against the wind*  
  
"Shake what you're momma gave ya!" Seamus Finnigan shouted from a seat nearby, evidently he was enjoying the show. At his request Neville shook his bottom, still singing:  
  
*She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know  
  
And she's dancing like she's never danced before  
  
She's a maniac, maniac, I sure know  
  
And she's dancing like she's never danced before*  
  
Neville gave one last shake of his bottom, shouted, "I'm a maniac!" and got down, his feet still tapping. Back at the Slytherin table a boy with slicked back blond hair said in a loud, drawling voice, "Now I know why they call him Longbottom," and with that the Great Hall erupted into laughter. 


	6. Pigpimples

Pigpimples  
  
By: liltrick89 Disclaimer: I do not own any HP characters.but I do own Pigpimples.and uh.anything that sounds different Summary: Dudley gets a letter from Pigpimples School for Lately Discovered Witches and Wizards  
  
It was a gray and gloomy morning as Dudley Dursley bounded down the stairs. He ran into the kitchen expecting the normal cries ("Oooo there's my Duddykins!") that he normally got everyday of the week, instead tears greeted him from his mother and a stern "Dudley." from his father. His mother and father exchanged tearful looks as his mother handed him an egg. "Break it open Duddykins," she said softly, "It's addressed to you". Dudley looked down at the egg.sure enough there was purple writing on it, which read:  
  
Mr. D. Dursley Number 4 Privet Drive Little Whinging, Surrey  
  
He cracked opened the egg and a letter popped out. "Dear Mr. Dursley, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to," Dudley gulped as he continued to read aloud "Pigpimples School for Lately Discovered Witches and Wizards." Dudley looked up at his parents who had gone deathly pale. He continued to read "Term begins September 7th. Your supply list should arrive shortly. Sincerely Elvis Dingledork. PS- Attendance is NOT optional." Just as he uttered the last words the windows flew open as a chicken came in. It sat itself on the table and clucked for a minute. Finally it jumped back up and flew out the window.only to land with a thump a few minutes later and fly off again. Dudley stared at the spot it had been just a moment before - which was now occupied by another egg with the same purple writing. He hesitated as he broke open it to reveal another letter this one with the title 'SUPPLIES LIST'. "Is this a joke?" Dudley asked looking at his parents who grimly shook their heads. And with that he threw the letter at his father and ran upstairs as fast as his fat wobbly legs would let him.  
  
10 Minutes later.  
  
"Dudley, time to get your supplies." Grumbled Vernon Dursley. "I'm not coming!" was the only answer he got back. "You'll come right now you little freak!" Petunia Dursley hissed through tears. Slowly Dudley, descended the stairs. No one had ever called him freak before, no one at all! Even when he had the tail he was always Duddykins. He was pushed into the car and they were off. Finally they arrived at London were Dudley and his parents walked into the Leaky Cauldron which suddenly became silent. "My word, is that Dudley Dursley?" said the old innkeeper. "Doris Crockford Mr. Dursley it's a pleasure to meet you." An old lady said and shook his hand, then whacked him with her purse. Suddenly the whole pub was throwing things at him (from insults to bricks). The Dursley family quickly ran out the back way. "I wonder what their problem is." Asked Mr. Dursley. He received his answer when a lone tomato was thrown, "Take that you Harry torturers!"  
  
After 5 minutes of trying to figure out how to get to Diagon Alley, the innkeeper showed them how to get in. They walked toward what seemed to be the bank; it was a tilted white building with gold letters reading 'GRINGOTTS'. There, Mr. Dursley exchanged several pounds into wizard money. "What do you need, boy?" Mr. Dursley growled. Dudley cringed; 'boy' was always Harry. "One pewter cauldron, robes - WHAT?" Dudley stared at the letter with amazement - this couldn't be happening, it was impossible - they couldn't expect him to wear - "What does it say boy?" His father said obviously annoyed. "Robes, pink with yellow stars." Dudley finally got out then continued, "The Truth about Harry Potter by Mary Mee, How to Become a Harry Fanatic by Amo Melenudo," Dudley looked down the list, it was full of books about Harry. He skipped down "and a wand. First year students may bring if you choose - either an chicken, pig, or cow." He finished.  
  
"Wand first boy." Mr. Dursley snarled and led his family toward Ollivanders, Makers of Fine Wands. There he dropped off his son with a quick growl that sounded like "We'll be on the non freak part." Dudley nodded sadly and walked in. Seeing no one he called out in a quiet scared voice "hello?" He was answered by the sound of a ladder swinging by and a very odd looking man's "hello! I was wondering when I would be seeing you, Dudley Dursley." Dudley looked surprised. "You know who I am?"  
  
"Who doesn't? Here try this." Mr. Ollivander said handing Dudley a black wand with a tan handle. "Black oak, dragon heartstring 8 ½ inches. Go on give it a wave!" Dudley waved the wand and Mr. Ollivanders hair, which was obviously a wig, flew out the window. A now bald Ollivander glared at Dudley "I think not." He mumered and came back with another wand, this one was a light tan with an emerald handle. "Birch, 6 inches, unicorn hair." He said as he handed the wand over to Dudley who immediately waved it. Mr. Ollivander watched as his wig flew onto the head of a very angry Lucius Malfoy. "And that would be a no as well." Ollivander gulped out as Lucius walked out of sight, the wig still on his head. Mr. Ollivander hustled to the back of the shop, part in trying to avoid the stares he was receiving (this was the 1st time anyone had seen him bald) and part to find a wand for that wretched Dursley. Finally he spotted what he was looking for. He walked back to where Dudley was and handed him the wand, instead of saying what type it was he busied himself with finding a cap.and when he found one he hastily put it on. He turned to see Dudley with a freakish yellow glow around him and his hair going up and down as if by the wind. "You're on my vent" Ollivander grumbled then said "Curious, curious" as he remembered what wand Dudley was holding.  
  
"Excuse me sir, but what's curious?" Dudley said as he moved off the vent. "I remember ever wand I have ever sold Mr. Dursley.and it is curious that you should be destined for this wand when it's _brother_ gave you that.tail." Dudley looked down at his romp and sure enough the pigtail that that giant with the pink umbrella had put on him was back! "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Dudley woke up screaming.  
  
Meanwhile at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
Harry laughed as he put down his wand and the book he had been reading. He then yawned and headed up to his dormitory with his wand, the book laying there forgotten.opened up to a page labeled 'Dream Manipulation and Creation on Muggles'.  
  
A/N: I'm thinking about writing a chapter Fan Fic about Dudley's adventures at Pigpimples (where he actually goes to the school and its not a dream). If you think I should please let me know in your review! Also sorry for not updating.I've been really busy! I promise to update again as soon as I finish writing the next chapter! 


	7. Authors Note

Authors Note Disclaimer: I own no- wait! I own EVERYTHING in this chap! Well maybe not everything.  
  
Hi! You're probably wondering 'why is this person taking up a whole chapter to write an authors note?' well I'll tell you in just a sec. Okay 1st off thanks SO much for all the reviews! I love that you guys love the story! :- D! Makes my day everytime I see 'I really like you're fic! Write more! Lol! Hilarious!' if you guys didn't write any of this there wouldn't be anymore of the story, because each time I plan on ending it there.. But then you guys tell me to keep going! And it really does mean a lot to me! So thanks!  
  
Now we come to the real reason I'm taking up a chapter. I'm Too Sexy will not be updated in awhile. But it will be updated, so don't think I'm closing down the fic because I'm DEFINITELY not! Now here are my reasons. I'm actually currently working on 4 fics: This one, Pigpimples (I got enough reviews to write it!), and two X-Men Evolution fan fics with another author, Lyrit Syrine. One of the X-Men Evolution ones is already completed, but needs to be typed up. (Just so you know the one already completed is Oz.please read and review if you like Evo!). I've been having some setbacks on writing Pigpimples, (one being my notebook which had the beginning of it written on was confiscated.er! And I'm not bringing another one to school for fear of IT being confiscated.), and other fics because of school. THEY WILL BE UPDATED! So all I ask is that you be patient and don't throw tomatoes at me when the fic isn't updated. Ok? I mean its not that I don't' LIKE tomatoes.but I don't like them being thrown at ME as missles.at other people yes but not me! Now enough with me rambling, and again sorry for the lack of updatation! Hopefully that'll change soon.  
  
Again thanks a lot!  
  
Trick 


	8. Of Geckos and Rumors

Chapter 8 ~ Of Geckos and Rumors  
  
By: Liltrick89  
  
Summary: A farce of the GEICO commercials!  
  
Disclaimer: Sadly I don't own GEICO. geckos. Hogwarts. or any of that wonderful stuff.  
  
A/N: Sorry for not updating sooner! But here it is the latest edition to 'I'm Too Sexy!' If you see a good commercial you'd like to see a Hogwarts parody on put it in your review and I'll see what I can do okay?  
  
  
  
"New DATDA teacher auditions today." Ron announced as he slid into the seat next to Harry in the Great Hall.  
  
"Where?" Harry asked.  
  
"Old classroom. after hours."  
  
"We are _not_ going to spy on the auditions Ron! How could the two of you think of such a thing? We'd be seen for sure!" Hermione burst out glaring at Ron and Harry.  
  
"That would be why we have the invisibility cloak Herm! Aren't you the tiniest bit curious who it's going to be?" Ron replied coolly while giving Harry a look that said 'you in?'  
  
Harry nodded, "Come on it'll be fun!" Hermione only rolled her eyes, muttered something that sounded like boys, and left the table.  
  
"She'll come around." Ron said confidently as he and Harry began making plans.  
  
***  
  
Hermione was halfway to the portrait of the Fat Lady when she was stopped by. "Malfoy" she stated, as she looked the handsome Slytherin straight in the eyes.  
  
"Look Granger I've heard those rumors, the ones about the two of us being an item?" Draco paused as his glare narrowed, "Sore trick mudblood, trying to boost your popularity I suppose?"  
  
"Like I'd spread them! I can't believe you even thought I'd do that! Honestly Malfoy, I knew you had little brain." Hermione trailed off.  
  
"Little Miss Perfect-goody-goody has finally given up on St. Potty and wants a taste of evil. its been used so much the idea is worn out Granger. Just admit it, you like me." Draco said arrogantly. He drew closer to her before sauntering off with Crabbe and Goyle at his heels.  
  
"Honestly!" Hermione muttered as she continued on her not so merry way. She'd show him goody goody.  
  
***  
  
"Glad you decided to tag along 'Mione." Harry said as he slipped the invisibility cloak on himself, Ron, and Hermione.  
  
"Well you can't expect me to let you guys have all the fun."  
  
They headed out of the common room and into the hallway. "Which classroom Ron?" Harry whispered as he activated the Marauders Map.  
  
"3rd floor, 2nd door on the left." Ron recited from memory, smiling proudly.  
  
"It's clear." Harry said, "Filch is in his office with Snape and Mrs. Norris."  
  
"Good, I don't' fancy shinning anymore trophies if we get caught." Ron said shivering at the memory. The rest of the trip was made in silence. When they arrived at the classroom they followed an old wizard with a black and yellow checkered cloak inside.  
  
"Wicked." ((3 guesses as to who said that!))  
  
The room they entered was extremely long and was filled with chairs and tables where a crowd of wizards and witches of all sizes were sitting. Hermione spotted an empty corner and motioned to it.  
  
"There's all sorts of people here! Look there's Brandon Brandish! He was a seeker for the Chudley Canons about 20 years ago. I hope he lands it!" Ron exclaimed excitedly.  
  
"Well I hope the girl beside him gets it.its about time a woman gets the job!" Hermione retorted.  
  
Ron looked at the woman who Hermione had pointed out, a tall blond with sapphire blue eyes. "I change my vote, I hope she gets it too!" he declared with perhaps too much enthusiasm.  
  
"Well maybe not her. I just meant a woman should get the job. but no her. definitely not here!" Hermione said quickly as she examined the room they were in. the trio were standing beside a large mahogany door that seemed to be rather important as most of the witches and wizards in the room were staring at it. She was about to comment on it when Ron began to speak.  
  
"Uh oh there's Lockhart number 2 at 5 o'clock." Ron whispered.  
  
"Lockhart?" Hermione squeaked looking around and as if remembering him for the fraud he was said in a notably less enthusiastic tone, "I uh don't see him. not that I would want to I mean."  
  
"I meant the brown haired git with the sparkly blue robes next to the lizard. the one with the mirror checking out his smile - that's Thomas Crusine. Mum fancies him now - acts in his own plays that star him. hope he doesn't get it." Ron explained glaring at Crusine. Hermione smiled, she hoped he did.  
  
Harry nodded as well, somewhat lost on what Ron had said. "Looks like a Quirrell. 12 o'clock." he said staring at an Oriental man who was wringing his hands nervously and jumping when anyone said hello. The very same lizard that had been next to Crusine had moved over to the 'Quirrell'.  
  
"Oh look there's a-" Hermione started but the large door right next to them opened. the trio anxiously peered inside of it, "That's were the interviews are I bet!" Ron whispered. McGonagall peeked her face out and looked down at a rather large piece of parchment, "Gecko." she read frowning as the green lizard marched over towards her.  
  
"I wonder whos familiar that is. it certainly doesn't like to stay put." Harry whispered as the lizard pass them, "hello." It said as it encountered a Chihuahua in the doorway.  
  
Harry and Ron's eyes opened wide. "I don't think he's a familiar Harry."  
  
Now the Chihuahua opened _its_ mouth - "Oh great a talking gecko."  
  
Hermione began laughing. "What's so funny Herm?" Harry asked attempting to shush her laughter.  
  
"They're not getting the job," she said in between giggles.  
  
"How do you know?" Ron asked a little grumpily, he hated it when Hermione knew something he didn't (unless it was lessons, as that happened frequently).  
  
"It's obvious isn't it? Once great wizards now animals! They aren't very good at defense against the dark arts!" 


	9. Bad Boy

****

Chapter 9: Bad Boy

By liltrick89

Disclaimer: I own nothing, and what I do own I'm pretty sure the angry reviewers are going to throw at me (because I haven't updated hides sheepishly under a table*)

A/N: Look at my profile people! This fic is updated whenever inspiration hits! And well, inspiration hasn't hit in a LONG time (well it has but not for this story. For my Mediator fics (read those! They're good! But not unless you like the series which is totally awesome! (It's Buffy meets the Sixth Sense!)), and my A Hogwarts Christmas Carol (currently going to go through a name change… and holy cow! I need to update!) I love working on this fic though, honestly I do. But recently I haven't been in the comedy mood. I'll try to update sooner, promise!

A/N2: Things Draco sings are in Italics.

Summary: A new kind of DA and a pumpkin juice plot.

"I would like to bring this meeting of the DA to an order." A gavel slammed onto a desk. Squeals of excitement followed. "First off is there any new business?" Several hands went up. "Okay Lavender you have the floor."

Lavender Brown stood up and flashed her pearly whites, but just as she opened her mouth to speak the door to the room burst open.

"Hey sorry 'bout being late, just heard there was a DA meeting…" Harry Potter scanned the room, something was wrong. "Where's Neville and Ron?" he asked slowly as his eyes fell on a familiar Slytherin face, "And why's Pansy here?" He gave a puzzled look to the figure holding the gavel. He couldn't see their face clearly… but… it looked like –

"Wrong DA Harry." The figure replied nervously.

"Yeah! This is DA, Draco Admirers, DUH!" Lavender replied, glaring at him.

Harry's mouth opened in shock, too stunned to resist as several girls pushed him through the door. What was _Hermione_ doing running a Draco fan club meeting? And more importantly, why didn't Harry have one?

-Ã -

Hermione gave a sigh of relief; "Thank goodness he's gone." She said, "Lavender, I believe you still have the floor."

"Right. Like anyway, remember how well Draco sang that "I'm Too Sexy" song? Well Pansy, Pavarti, and I figured out it was because of the pumpkin juice that he sang. So…" Lavender grinned, "I propose we cause another, well, you know, by giving him loads of pumpkin juice like before."

"And this time we'll take pictures to put in the DA album!" Pavarti added. The other girls gave thrilled shrieks.

Hermione smiled, she was hoping she might see Draco sing and dance again. "We'll put it to a vote. All in favor of performing Lavender's suggestion say 'Aye'"

The room thundered with 'Ayes' after all, the entire female population of Hogwarts was there – except one girl.

"Those opposed?" Hermione raised an eyebrow silently challenging anyone to speak. No one made a sound. "Well I guess it's unanimous. So, Lavender what's your plan?"

"Well, see like Pansy will keep giving him like pumpkin juice tomorrow during study hall, and well he'll start singing…" Lavender paused, "hopefully."

"What about the camera? Colin Creevey's the only one with one."

"Well, see, I was thinking… um… well… um… like…I don't know." Lavender frowned. The room filled with groans.

"Okay let's think. Colin won't let anyone touch his camera…"

"But he'll do anything for Ginny Weasley!" Lavender piped up. "He has a like totally big thing for her, you know?" The room seemed to move in a wave as everyone nodded their heads.

"Wait a second, what makes you think Weasel will help us? After all she's the only girl _not_ a member of the DA. She's too busy swooning after Potter," Pansy said, a sneer on her face.

Hermione sucked in her lip, "Leave Ginny to me. Pansy, you worry about the pumpkin juice."

-Ã -

"Ginny please? I'm begging you!"

"Hermione, I'm disappointed in you, the wanker calls you a mudblood and suddenly you worship the ground he walks on? I'll have to tell Ron about that…"

Hermione's mouth thinned. "You are not going to tell Ron or _anyone,_ anything, or I'll tell them about the Harry shrine in your trunk."

Ginny's eyes widened, "You wouldn't… fine. I won't tell a soul about your obsession with ferrets, but what do I get for getting the camera?"

"What do you want? I could get Harry to sit with you at lunch…"

"I'm over him Hermione, remember? The shrine is just for memories sake." Hermione rolled her eyes, obviously she didn't agree. "Really! But hmm… I know. I want the negatives."

Hermione smiled, "Awesome! But why do you want them?"

A sinister smirk appeared on Ginny's face. "I have my reasons…"

-Ã -

"How to prove the mudblood likes me. Idea number 1: Get injured." Draco mumbled as he wrote the list. It was study hall and he had yet to see any proof that Granger like him. Not that he liked her, she was a mudblood after all, but _every _girl liked him. Well except two to his knowledge – Granger and the Weaselette, but the second was delusional, after all she had liked _Potter_ of all people. 

"Pansy, get me some water," he ordered never looking up from his paper, holding out his hand for his glass, which was immediately thrust into it. Without looking at the glass he downed the contents, he didn't taste a thing. He had eyes only for his list and his mind was consumed with it.

"Number 2: Flirt shamelessly with her." He said, "More water, Pansy." He repeated the process, taking a glass every time he wrote an idea down. His throat was parched, and the water had some sort of addictive quality in it.

"Number 15: No need *hic* for *hic* plan because I *hic* know the mudblood *hic* loves me." He gave a sigh as Pansy gave him another glass. He liked number 15 best. He drank the "water" and finally tasted the liquid. This wasn't water – it was pumpkin juice! And suddenly he had the strangest urge to sing…

He stood up as suddenly music began to play in his head. Crabbe and Goyle both exchanged looks, completely oblivious to the triumphant smile on Pansy Parkinson's face. 

__

"If you want it to be good girl get yourself a bad boy." The study hall fell silents as everyone's eyes focussed on a certain drop dead gorgeous Slytherin. Music that had been in his head suddenly flooded the room with the flash of a camera. With a swish of a wand, courtesy of Hermione (who figured Draco needed some back up singers) Crabbe and Goyle found themselves under the same spell that Draco was…or at least seemed to be.

Draco's gaze roamed the room… and it fell on a certain Gryffindor. Wearing his trademark smirk he stood on top of the table, _"Whoo!"_ kicking away his books in a dramatic gesture, as his tag-a-longs did the same just as a second flash went off.

Draco jumped over to the Gryffindor table and knelt down so his face was inches from Hermione's. FLASH! _"If you want it to be wild, gotta know just who to dial, baby."_ He grabbed her chin and pulled her up on the table. FLASH! Hermione's face was turning red with a mix of embarrassment and happiness. _"That's me." _Draco pointed to himself, all the while moving his body to the music, forcing Crabbe and Goyle to do the same. FLASH!

__

"If you really like it hot," Draco moved his hips in Elvis style and pulled Hermione closer. FLASH! _"get someone who hits the spot, hunny." _Draco smirked again and gave Hermione a quick kiss on the mouth. FLASH! _"Oh yeah"_ he pushed her away and did a cross between a strut and a prance down the Gryffindor table. FLASH! 

He arrived at Lavender and Pavarti's place at the table._"And if you want to get it done, then you gotta get the one. The one who's got it goin' on."_ FLASH! He shot them a grin and a wink. FLASH! _"If you want to make it last, gotta notice who to ask. Babe's he's gotta be the best. Tonight, sweet." _The two girls squealed, gave Draco a look that screamed 'we'll be there' and satisfied with their reaction Draco leaped over to the Ravenclaw table. Pulling Cho up on the table with him and noting her complete lack of resistance, Draco sent a smirk in Harry's direction. Harry of course turned completely red with rage as Draco continued to sing. _"If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy. If you really want it good girl, get yourself a bad boy. Get it like it could be, would be, yeah like it should be. If you want it to be good girl get yourself a bad boy."_ Draco gave Cho a deep Hollywood kiss. FLASH! It lasted quite a bit longer than the one he had given to Hermione. When he was done he gave Harry a smirk. FLASH! He jumped over to the Hufflepuff table with a _"Whoo!"_

He strutted down the table spinning around in the middle. FLASH! _"If you like it innovated_ _better get someone creative, hunny." _He repeated the Elvis hip swing as the Hufflepuff gals screamed. _"If you want it to be jamming better get somebody slamming, baby."_ He began to prance down the table as various girls attempted to grab onto his clothes. FLASH! Pulling out a handkerchief Draco wiped his sweaty brow and tossed it in a random direction. FLASH! He stopped in front of Susan Bones, who looked like she was about to feint by his sudden attention on her. _"And if you want to get it done, then you gotta get the one. The one whose got it goin' on. If you want to make it last, gotta notice who to ask. Babe's he's gotta be the best. Tonight, sweet." _Malfoy leaned in close but backed away just before the lips met, a teasing smile on his lips. FLASH!

__

"If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy. If you really want it good girl, get yourself a bad boy. Get it like it could be, would be, yeah like it should be. If you want it to be good girl get yourself a bad boy." He spun around and holding his hands in a 'come on' gesture walked away. FLASH! The effect was immediate, as girls from all the houses stumbled onto and around the table.

__

"There's a thing, ya mamma shouldn't know…" Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle all turned back around, facing the girls. _"There's a thing, I really wanna show…"_ Once again, the Elvis move was used, and the girls went wild. FLASH! _"There's a thing, I wanna show you how… so won't ya lemme show you right now? Oh baby!" _Draco began to unbutton his shirt smiling at all the ladies. FLASH! _"And if you want to get it done, then you gotta get the one. The one whose got it goin' on. If you want to make it last, gotta notice who to ask. Babe's he's gotta be the best. That's me, my lady."_

Draco spotted Pansy and brought her up onto the table, his body in perfect rhythm throughout the entire song so far. FLASH!_"If you want it to be good girl, get yourself a bad boy. That's right. If you really want it good girl, get yourself a bad boy. If you really want it, if you really want it… Get it like it could be, would be, yeah like it should be. If you want it to be good it's gotta be like it should…"_

Crabbe and Goyle began doing senseless repetitions of the songs lyrics as Draco began prancing towards the doors, arriving at them just as the music stopped. The world seemed to stand still as Draco slowly looked down his now practically bare chest. Slowly he turned around and looked at hundreds of girl's drooling faces. Pushing back his hair, it had become unslicked in the song, he turned to Crabbe and Goyle, who mimicked his stunned expression. FLASH! Ginny walked out of the crowd, a smirk practically identical to his own trademark one on her face. She held up a camera. 

"Can we all say, blackmail?"

**Alternate beginning: **

"I would like to bring this meeting of the DA, Draco Admirers to an order." A gavel slammed onto a desk. Squeals of excitement followed. "First off is there any new business?" Several hands went up. "Okay Lavender you have the floor."

Lavender Brown stood up and flashed her pearly whites, but just as she opened her mouth to speak the door to the room burst open.

"Hey girls! Sorry about being late! Oh my gawd, I love Draco! Isn't he just the cutest?" Lavenders shocked face was priceless as she looked at a boy standing in the doorway. 

"Harry, I like didn't know you were like gay."

Alternate ending: The world seemed to stand still as Draco slowly looked down his now practically bare chest. Slowly he turned around and looked at hundreds of girl's drooling faces. Pushing back his hair, it had become unslicked in the song, he turned to Crabbe and Goyle, who mimicked his stunned expression. The silence was broken as Hermione Granger approached a certain red head. "Did you get it? He kissed me! Me! The 'Sexy Slytherin Seeker' of Hogwarts kissed me!" Ginny nodded a mischievous grin on her face. 

Draco recovered his wits, "The 'Sexy Slytherin Seeker' of Hogwarts?" he arched an eyebrow, a cocky smirk on his face. "Knew you loved me, mudblood."

**A/N: Now, since I gave you two alternate thingys can you forgive me for not updating?** **And yes, I know the alternate ending is funnier than there real one (and more satisfying for the Hermione/Draco lovers) but the real one works for plot.**


	10. Bloody Potter

****

I'm Too Sexy

__

Chapter 10: Bloody Potter

By: liltrick89

Disclaimer: I own nothing. At all. Period.

Summary: Things don't go the way they're supposed to in Draco Malfoy's life… and naturally, Potter is blamed.

"I'll get father to expel pumpkin juice from the school. That'll work! Except for the fact that he's in AZKABAN!' Draco Malfoy bounded into his room, an air of anger across his aura. He yanked his tie off his neck and threw it as hard as he could across the room… and through the open window.

"Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!" he shouted, today was definitely going into Hogwarts, A History as the worst day in the history of Hogwarts. He peered out of the window to see where exactly his tie had landed…

"Bugger-it!"

The tie had landed right into what appeared to be a deep mud puddle.

"Crabbe! Goyle!" Draco shouted, like hell he was going to pick up that tie like some common muggle. Especially when he could get the said oafs to do it for him.

There was no reply. So he decided to try again.

"Crabbe! Goyle!"

…

"Crabbe? Goyle?"

…

****

"CRABBE! GOYLE!"

Still there was no sound of elephants stomping up the stairs. None what-so-ever. His vocal cords spent, Draco looked once more at his tie as it sank further into the muddy puddle. "Bloody Potter" he mumbled. Even though Potter had nothing _directly_ to do with his mud sunken tie it felt good to blame the mangy git. "Stupid wanker of a bloody Potter" he added, surprised at how good he was beginning to feel despite the situation at hand. "Stupid wanker of a bloody Potter!" he repeated giddily before putting on his normal scowl. "Now, all I have to do is find some first year to get my tie for me." He muttered, because, heaven forbid that he should dirty his flawless pianist hands in the mud.

He slinked into the common room, on the prowl for the first year who would be lucky enough to pick up his tie for him. But luck wasn't on his side today… all through the common room not a student was stirring. There was not a first year in sight, or second, third, fourth, fifth or anyone for that matter. No one at all was there to do his bidding.

"Bloody Potter!"

__

30 minutes later…

The Great Hall was empty. The library was vacant. Even the bathrooms were devoid of any sign of life.

And Draco Malfoy wasn't pleased.

"Stupid mangy wanker of a bloody Potter" he chanted to himself as he marched outside ready to confront the puddle. And when he did arrive at it, he stared unblinkingly at it as if by glaring he could make his mud sunken tie levitate out of the seemingly bottomless mud hole. It didn't work.

Draco pulled his wand out of his pocket. He pointed it at the area he imagined his tie must have sunk into… and he had just opened his mouth to say "Wingardium Leviosa" when a sudden flash caused him to turn around to face it's source and coincidentally drop his wand into the puddle as well.

"Bloody Potter!" he hissed as he stared up into the lens of a camera. He quickly concealed his anger at the interruption with his famous smirk. "I know I'm devastatingly attractive, but I'm a little occupied at the moment." He paused as he suddenly got an idea, "If you fetch my tie and wand from this puddle I'll let you take as many pictures of me as you like." He was trying to sound suave and devastatingly charming, and he thought he was doing it rather well.

The camera was swung violently to the side and Draco was able to see the carrier's wide smile and frighteningly red hair.

"But, ferret face, I happen to not want you to pose for me. Candid shots are ever so much more fun. Like those I took earlier today… would you like to see the _first_ batch of prints?"

Ginny Weasley had just won herself a place on Draco Malfoy's hit list. In fact, she was now number one.

"What, no answer? I'll take that as a yes then." She pulled what looked to be around fifty photos tied together with a string from her ripped and tattered robes. "These are your copies. Don't worry, I have the negatives… so if you want some to show to daddy I can make more."

Draco's eyes widened at this. Father would _Avada Kedavra_ him straight away if he saw or knew about his pumpkin juice episodes. His eyes gained a murderous quality as he slowly raised both hands as if to strangle the weasel of a Weasley in front of him. He was stopped, however, by her wand poking his adams apple.

"Remember the Bat Bogey Hex, Malfoy? And I assure you, I can't miss at this range."

She was smirking. This girl had the nerve to smirk at HIM! And that wasn't a normal smirk, oh no… that was _his_ smirk. He hadn't given her the right to use it! He almost raised his hands again, but he did indeed remember the Bat Bogey Hex. And he didn't particularly like it that much. He gulped as his hands fell to his sides.

She put the stack of photos next to him, her wand and gaze never leaving him. "I'll discuss the price for the negatives later with you… until then – ta!"

And with that Ginerva Weasley left Draco Malfoy all alone with only a mud puddle and a stack of photos to keep him company.

"Bloody Potter," he declared as he turned back to the menacing puddle and reverted back to glaring at it. How was he supposed to get his tie back without a wand? He supposed that he could just buy another one, but that wasn't the point. It was the principal of the thing!

He contemplated running to wherever Weasley was and making her get his tie and wand for him… but for some odd reason he didn't think that his charm would help him get her assistance. He was on his own. Slowly, Draco rolled his sleeves until they were a bit above his elbows and, after looking away in the other direction so he wouldn't have to see his skin get dirtied, thrust his exposed arms into the puddle. He searched desperately for his tie and wand, the mud sloshing around his fingers only increasing his distress.

Finally he felt his tie and wand. Hurriedly, he grabbed them and pulled them out of the puddle. Carefully he inspected them. The tie was definitely his and he thanked his mother for placing a anti-stain charm on it… the tie was still brilliantly green and silver. His wand was ok as well. Relieved, he wiped his hand on his forehead… his still mud covered hand. Of course, it wasn't until he stood up from the puddle and drips of mud began streaming down his face that he realized this.

****

"BLOODY POTTER!"

__

10 minutes later…

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Draco Malfoy had been alone in the Slytherin dormitories for around five minutes now.

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

And that was the only sound that could be heard to tell of his condition.

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Down in the common room, Crabbe and Goyle (who had just gotten back from a certain closet in a certain room that shall not be named) were trying their best not to imagine what must be causing these noises.

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

But as much as they tried, it was a very difficult task.

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Slowly Crabbe looked up from his feet, "reckon he's got a girl up there?"

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Goyle also looked up from his feet, "I dunno"

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Goyle suddenly grinned, "wanna find out?"

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

But this time the sound wasn't from Draco, it was from Crabbe. It appeared he was just as eager (and perverted) as Goyle was to find out what was really going on.

The two dunderheads then proceeded to climb the stars from the common room, only the sound of

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

keeping them going.

__

5 more minutes later…

They had finally reached the top of the twenty stairs and had arrived at the boys dormitory. But now a new question was laid before them…

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Who was going to open the door?

Was it going to be Crabbe?

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Or would Goyle do it?

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

Nope, it was Crabbe. It was Crabbe who opened to door to find….

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

the dormitory was empty. But still he could hear the sound of

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

He looked around, there was no sign of Draco anywhere… at least that was what he thought.

Goyle poked him in the arm and pointed to the bathroom door where the sound of water hitting tile could be heard. And that was most definitely were the

"Yes, _Yes_, **_Yes, YES!_**"

were coming from. But it was here that Crabbe and Goyle's courage failed them. They weren't Gryffindors after all.

However, in the bathroom, completely oblivious to his frightened lackeys who were just outside the door, Draco Malfoy was washing his hair and scrubbing vigorously at his arms. No trace of mud was left, but that wasn't enough for Draco, the germs could still be there. Yet, he couldn't stay in the bathroom all day. So when his skin was rubbed raw, his hair had been washed numerous times (he had lost count after 10), and he had brushed, flossed, and whitened his teeth (as well as put some clothes on), he exited the bathroom to enter the dormitory. And that's where he found Crabbe and Goyle perched on his bed, eagerly looking at the photos Ginny Weasley had given him earlier.

"I am I really that fat?" Crabbe asked, shocking Draco immensely. Draco didn't realize that Crabbe had expanded his one syllable vocabulary to two. It was altogether amazing. He reached down and picked up a photo. His photo self was giving a quick kiss to Granger who proceeded to melt into his arms and practically swoon.

He pulled out a list out of his pocket, and checking off one of the remaining two empty boxes (all the other hundreds were already checked) he smiled.

"I knew Granger liked me."


End file.
